And what a year its been...its hard to believe on Saturday, the 15th, it’ll be one whole year since my sweet mums died...
i'm in a different place then i was last january, thats for sure....i thought the saddness would never go away and feeling like a zombie became comfortable...,
...i was cleaning out my pictures folder on my laptop a week or so ago..i'm a big picture freak for some reason...either taking them, making my own or stealing them from the net...
but i noticed a bit of a trend from last Jan...they all looked like this
Just so dark, sad and most were already named ‘despair’....how depressing...and not only that..even what i was reading and studying was dark and sinister...like heremetics, theosphy, satanism, conspiracy theories and anything else that i could find....but they kept me in a perpetual state of darkness and despair...
I relapsed twice in 2010...315 days ago i relapsed on my drug of choice..then in June or so, i relapsed on oxys..well, namely "percs"..i ate 50 of them in 4 days...my hip had basically given out...doctor said i had bursitis and i ended up getting a cortisone shot [those fucking ROCK tyvm]...but, according to Dr.Craven...relapse is still relapse...whether i was in pain or not..and that chronic pain and addiction go hand in hand..at that point i was still trying to come down off the methadone and i was at 10mgs and was so happy...but in sooo much pain ..
so it looks like i may never be off the methadone...but i guess thats better than using..or being triggered to use in the future due to pain...
on jan 15th...sams going to a concert with Sean...i'm actually happy for him..it means that life goes one and just because shes gone...doesn't mean we can't still L I V E....mums wouldn't want us to be sad and not go on..and mums loved it when michele and i went to concerts when we were growing up..i remember once, when i was 13 my parents were gone for the day and..my friends Toni and Trudy were going to see AC/DC at Cobo Hall in Detroit...living in Windsor, just across the river from Detroit Michigan..the Rock-N-Roll Capital of the US...was awesome for seeing live bands...whether it was Cobo, Jos. Louis Arena, Pine Knob, or the Palace of Auburn Hills..you were guaranteed a good time!..anyways..i wanted to go to the concert too ...so i left my parents a note on the counter and off i went!! i was sure i could get a scalper ticket outside of the venue and go w/my firends!!!and since there was a tunnel bus that went to detroit every 20mins..i was in!! unfortunately for me...my parents pulled up in their old Plymouth Wagon w/the paneling on the sides just before the bus got there...busted :(...i was super bummed ...not to mention the fact i almost gave my parents a heart attack...downtown detroit is no place for a 13yr old girl....the christmas though..i got a concert ticket to go see R.E.O Speedwagon! and so the tradition began...after that it was pretty much every show that came to town..i seen Aerosmith 3times, the Animals, Pink Floyd, Robert Plant 3times, Jimi Page w/ The Firm, the Black Crowes, Styx, Neil Young, Deep Purple, BTO, Ian Hunter, so many i cant even remember...and now i'm carrying on the tradition with my son..i took him to see JayZ last year...and we seen Chelsea Grin and Attilla...he went to another concert after that one by himself and now hes going to see Abandon All Ships...
and for the record...all the latest pics i've grabbed look like this: life is going to get better..i just know it<3
Desires to be respected by others in order to gain their trust and support for her own personal gain.
"Always trying to make a good impression on others, but doubtful she is succeeding. Feels she has the right to everything she hopes and dreams of and becomes annoyed and helpless when things don't go her way. [yes, i would agree i am somewhat spoiled...but thats my parents fault! hahah] Is troubled by the very thought of failure which leaves her feeling miserable. Always sees herself as the victim as if everyone treats her poorly and she never is given her fair share. Feels her failures are no fault of her own, but due to the shortcomings of others." [k, this part i don't agree with because any problems or 'failures' i've had are my own fault and my own doing..nobody elses....so :P ]
i know...i totally contradicted myself here...and yes, you can laugh...i did !
Current events leave her feeling forced into compromise in order to avoid being cut off from affection or future cooperation.
Applies tough standards to her potential partner and demands an unrealistic perfection in her sex life. [true]
Current situations force her into compromise and placing her own hopes and desires on hold for the time being. [i agree wholeheartedly..but its for an excellent cause..:)]
Your Desired Objective
"Longs for tenderness and for a feeling of acceptance from a partner.dont we all? Appreciates things that are beautiful, pleasing to the eye, and stylish." again, don't we all?
Disappointed because her hopes have not come to pass and she fears coming up with new goals will only lead to further disappointment. These conflicting emotions lead to a feeling of anxiety and depression. she tries to escape [hahahah don't we all?] into a peaceful and calm relationship which offers encouragement and protection from further disappointment.
Lack of energy leaves her unnoticed to pursue further activities or demands placed on her. she feels powerless which leaves her agitated and depressed. Tries to escape from her struggles by searching for peaceful and restful conditions in which to relax and recover in an atmosphere full of security.unfreakingbelievable to say the very least!